The Aftermath of the Birthday Hullabaloo

If this is your first time visiting Bummed Out Baker, please read Mourning the Living and 31 Birthdays for context for this post.


After all of last week’s hullabaloo, I heard from my brother Alex today. It was a welcome surprise. He called me from a Chicken Express to wish me a belated happy birthday and to let me know that he had planned to call on my actual birthday, but that he’d lost his phone. He said that he still thought about me all day on my birthday.

I accidentally declined his call today, and as soon as I heard his voice come through on the voicemail I called the number back without listening to the rest. I knew I had a narrow window of time before he’d leave the restaurant and that I had to call straight away if I was to catch him. An employee answered and, when I asked for Alex, I heard him ask “Is Alex still here?” to someone else, signifying Alex’s familiar presence to the staff there, and then the phone muffled and I heard the employee say “sister” and “birthday” as if he were justifying Alex’s use of the phone to another employee.

“Is that ayewunsennighthreesisate?” Alex rattled off my phone number.

We talked for a bit, the details of which I’m purposely omitting. It’s strange to live this saga in real time.

A hallmark of this blog is transparency for the sake of normalizing these shitty, hurtful family situations, but I also don’t ever want to be exploitive or disrespectful to the time it takes to simply process happenings. Basically, I will share what I can when I feel it’s ready to be shared.


Last Thursday I slept until 4pm. I was shocked when I sat up in bed and saw the clock – I’ve never done that before. I’ve been sleeping 12-14 hours a night, sleeping through alarms, waking up physically exhausted, unable to get out of bed. These long sleeps result in restlessness the following night, and then the cycle starts again. I’ve always been a high maintenance sleeper, meaning I require more hours than the average bear to be at my best functionality, but this is something else. I’m gonna talk with my psychiatrist about it on Thursday because, as I’ve discussed before, my mood sunsets with the day. Staying up late and then sleeping strange hours has not been good for the ole psyche.

As always, I feel extremely fortunate to be able to sort out my issues without the fear of losing a job or without feeling like I’ve failed my family. I know not everyone struggling with mental illness-related sleeping problems has this luxury. As a privilege check I want to openly acknowledge the rarity of my specific situation.


Are these Wednesday posts helpful? I aim to be consistent when I post so that readers can always count on new content each week, but am not sure of reader preferences. Please let me know.

Written on Tuesday, September 17, 2019.


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If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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Mental Health: 31 Birthdays

I’ve had 31 birthdays and have talked to my brother every single one, most notably those that have passed while he lived on the streets, except for my 31st.

It’s interesting, the memories we hold onto after things irrevocably change. My 21st birthday started out wonderfully and ended in a disaster, but at least it was a family affair. Everyone was there, and no one felt angry or excluded. I suppose alcohol consumption is an equal opportunity, something anyone can do.

“No fighting tonight,” my dad commanded my brothers as they stalked out of our parents’ house on the way out. “I mean it. It’s Bailey’s day,” he finished.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex brushed him off, Duncan traipsing behind him out the door. They both chuckled at the thought, fighting nowhere on their radar while celebrating their little sister’s birthday. So far, the entire day had been tiaras, pink cupcakes, and laughs, but our dad had reason to worry.

His whole life, Alex has been notorious for snapping without consideration to his surroundings, the end-game of his actions, or even the reason for his actions to begin with. Just six months prior to my 21st the three of us had been in a similar situation at Duncan’s birthday outing. At 26 years-old, Duncan’s body was practically geriatric in terms of a fist fight, something that used to be a regular occurrence. His birthday cake that year featured a funny picture of him with a black eye. It was a graduation, of sorts, until it wasn’t.

“Dallas bros” have garnered the moniker “$30K millionaires,” a stereotype signaling unfounded snobbery and living above one’s means. The bar was packed with these types on Duncan’s birthday, and Alex’s antennae began to twitch as soon as he walked in. The Dallas bros looked like frat-daddy clones, while Alex was dressed like Bam Margera. There was instant discord. When a bro five feet away from Alex glanced over and his eyes trailed down to the bottom of Alex’s jeans to his leg, Alex responded by throwing a heavy low-ball glass at his head.

Here we go again.

The high-top table Alex had been sitting at toppled over as he dove toward his innocuous observer and took him down with him. Being discharged from the Army didn’t eradicate Alex’s knowledge of how to seriously maim, or even kill, a person with his hands, and he was looking for a fight. Maybe he fought because he needed to prove to himself, and any onlookers, that he still could without one of his legs.

Six months later, my friends, brothers and I were ending a successfully peaceful night out on my 21st at an oontz oontz club called Vice, a name that should have been our first signpost things would go awry. The entire place was a dark den of slick-haired smooth-talkers, a haven of instigators with no follow through, and the entire scene acted like a match igniting Alex’s insecurity. Duncan and I turned away from the bar to see, between seizure-inducing light strobes, Alex hit the floor in a tangle with a someone.

Damn. We almost made it.

Duncan handed me the five beers he’d just purchased for me and my friends before disappearing into the dark of Alex’s fray. When Duncan’s friend smashed a bottle over someone’s head, the club descended into chaos like an ant hill that’d just been kicked. The fight was like a stop-action film, a second of dark uncertainty followed by a shocking illumination, like a visual metronome. My patent pump had slipped off my foot when I got shoved aside by someone en route to the fight, now especially perilous with glass scattering the floor. When the lights fully came up, the man Duncan had just choked out fell to the sticky, booze-soaked and trash-strewn floor. Bouncers began corralling all of the newly exposed club goers, the magic of body-con dresses and sexy strangers now illuminated in unflattering fluorescence. I found my shoe between the bar and some slack-jawed, drunk onlookers and gingerly retrieved it, careful to let the least amount of my bare foot touch the floor. As I wriggled my toes back into the shoe, I watched the room empty as if there were a fire. The entire club, now as well-lit as an OR table, was evacuating and pouring out the hot cement streets of the Texas September night.

I wonder if Alex felt powerful, shaping the nights of so many strangers, including what was meant to be “my” night. By the time I got to the sidewalk, my loosened birthday tiara was dangling off my head and black mascara tears streamed down my face. It was all very “raining on prom night” and, like most unfortunate things in my life, has become humorous with time.

Now that everyone was out of the club and onto the streets and nothing was a mystery, I spotted Alex’s initial target and recognized him. I knew him. Troy* had become an MMA fighter and was now a swollen, cauliflower-eared version of a boy I’d grown up with. As my recognition solidified I heard him shout to Alex, “You’re only half a man with that fake ass leg, bitch,” referring, of course, to my brother’s prosthetic.

With his mouthed still fixed in the “ch” sound at the end of his sentence, I was already airborne. Duncan thought faster, though, and caught me around the waist mid-air. I heard Alex shouting back, but his words disappeared into the white noise of the night. All four of my limbs flailed toward Troy. My leap toward him was carnal and unconsidered, like much of Alex’s life.

“Yeah, you better keep that bitch in check,” Troy taunted, appraising the situation in front of him as if he were now safe behind a one-sided mirror. Shouting obscenities, Alex walked backwards like one might away from royalty, or a holy shrine. He finally bumped against the cab his girlfriend had desperately been trying to coax him into.

In the postmortem of these two senseless fights, after the tears had dried and apologies had been exchanged, Duncan decided that Alex took fights to the floor because that was where he knew he could maintain the upper hand. I suppose that, because the feeling is so rare, Alex has taken every opportunity to maintain an upper hand, even if at the unreasonable expense of another.

On September 5th, 2019, ten years after my 21st, I waited all day to hear from Alex. I clenched my teeth and chastised myself for falling asleep mid-afternoon in case I missed his call, but when I woke up I was both disappointed and relieved to see my missed calls were from my parents, grandparents, and Bank of America. No sign of Alex, no unknown numbers in my call log. At 4:13pm I pushed myself up into a sitting position on the bed, my body weight shifting and sinking into a new place on the mattress. My shoulders slumped as I looked down at my phone. Time was running out. He still had eight hours, nine hours Texas time, but it wasn’t usual for him to call late on my birthday. No matter how unconventional our relationship, I know my brother, and I knew then he wasn’t going to call. I was right.

Typically, he’d ask the Taco Bell manager or a stranger to use their phone in the late morning or early afternoon, no later than 3, and leave me a voicemail or text message wishing me happy birthday and telling me that, as always, I can’t call or text him back because he was on a borrowed phone. Then, he’d hand the phone back to its owner and hobble back out into the streets, his home.

One time I disobeyed his instructions and texted the number he called me from, not to Alex, but purposefully to the owner of the phone.

Hi, this is the sister of the guy you loaned your phone to today. Thank you for your kindness. Hearing from him means to the world to me.

I didn’t expect to get anything back, and I didn’t.

*Name changed to protect the guilty

Related on Bummed Out Baker:
Mental Health: Mourning the Living
Mental Health: A Birthday Wish
Mental Health: Saying No in the Spirit of Self-Care


To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker and get my mental health musings and recipes emailed to you directly, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website – Follow on Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild – Follow on Facebook for mental health articles and discussion – Follow on Twitter for sassy tweets and a sprinkle of nonsense.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Mental Health: The Stockpile of Gratitude

If living with mental illness is a struggle for you today, I have a piece of positivity to offer.

On my good days I find a stockpile of gratitude waiting for me because I know how dark things can get. I was just there, after all. While I wouldn’t wish having those dark thoughts on anyone, the payback of them is rich. When I come out of a dark headspace, it’s like the black and white to technicolor transition in the Wizard of Oz. When things are bad, and then they’re suddenly not, I find myself with a hyper-awareness of good.

While constantly considering my mortality is exhausting, it also manifests in all kinds of ways. I’m grateful for my physical mobility. I find myself with a wealth of mercy for people acting in any undesirable way, because life is short I have no idea what they’re going through. I feel fortunate to have such comforting, sweet-tempered golden retrievers, because dogs are an expensive luxury. I admire all the people who’ve shown me grace, supported me, taught me things, and have loved me when I wasn’t very lovable. I think about how grateful I am for a comfy bed and a safe, quiet place for me to sleep in peace.

When I’m mentally gridlocked, thinking of these things is like pushing on a button that doesn’t work. I’m numb. If that sounds like you, just know that when you emerge from the other side, and you will, you’ll have the stockpile.

It may not seem like much, but us mentally ill folk have got to stick together and take what we can get! And we get the stockpile.


Whenever I get a song stuck in my head I start to list the things I’m grateful for instead and it always does the trick to get the song out. With that being said…

Fun fact! Did you know that “Bug A Boo” by Destiny’s Child, a song in regards to an overbearing romantic interest, can also be applied to mental illness?

You make me wanna throw my pager out the window 
Tell MCI to cut the phone calls 
Break my lease so I can move 
Cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo 
I wanna put your number on the call block 
Have AOL make my email stop 
Cause you a bug a boo 
You buggin’ what? You buggin’ who? You buggin’ me! 
And don’t you see it ain’t cool

“Bug A Boo” by Destiny’s Child

I would say “you’re welcome”, but the true accolades go to Kandi Burruss for her multi-faceted lyricism.

Related on Bummed Out Baker:
Mental Health: Communicating Mental Unrest
The Uncertainty of Mental Illness
Mental Health: Saying No in the Spirit of Self-Care


To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker and get my mental health musings and recipes emailed to you directly, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website – Follow on Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild – Follow on Facebook for mental health articles and discussion – Follow on Twitter for sassy tweets and a sprinkle of nonsense.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Mental Health: Communicating Mental Unrest

Whenever I’m not okay, I almost always look and sound like I am.

The confusion is likely furthered by the fact that when I’m at my best, I’m still wearing all black and moping around listening to The Cure, blaring Disintegration and praying for rain at a first promising clap of thunder. I suppose it’s all very misleading!

One of the worst things about mental illness is that it often falls into the “invisible illness” category. Since you don’t have on a cast, your inner torment is nonexistent, even farcical, to some.

Laughing about my afflictions is how I mask, cope, and survive. Even when I’m sparkling around others, my thoughts could very well be, and often are, in a sinister place. I’m not trying to venture into reportage, don’t worry, but in December 2018 CNN posted an article about “the sad clown” concept and comedians suffering clinical depression. A lot of the ideas presented resonate.

In lieu of a suicidal ideation blindside, my psychiatrist has instructed me to inform my loved ones by saying something to the effect of “My face and tone of voice seem okay, but I’m not okay.” That way, we can then work together to find an appropriate immediate action, a treatment plan to move forward, and a way to normalize communication via my mental health in future.

For me, and perhaps others, the humility involved in admitting mental weakness and the need for help is tremendous. My pride has, quite literally, almost killed me.

To actively normalize and destigmatize mental illness and conversations surrounding it, we must open ourselves to reinvented ways to communicate our mental states. The more we talk about it, the more people with mental illness will feel comfortable getting help when they need it, and people who don’t understand mental illness will begin to be better informed. Hopefully.

This whole process requires mercy and patience on everyone’s behalf, but these conversations are vital. In terms of helpful conversation, another way to support your loved one on with mental illness is to not assume well-being.

Related on Bummed Out Baker:
Mental Health: When It Comes to Someone’s Well-Being, Ask, Don’t Assume
Mental Health: Guilt and Golden Retrievers and Headaches
Mental Health: Dealing With Suicide


To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker and get my mental health musings and recipes emailed to you directly, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website – Follow on Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild – Follow on Facebook for mental health articles and discussion – Follow on Twitter for sassy tweets and a sprinkle of nonsense.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Mental Health: When It Comes to Someone’s Well-Being, Ask, Don’t Assume

Or, “well-bean” if you like it when people pronounce “being” like “bean” as much as I do. Dealer’s choice.

Initially queued up for this morning was a loose annotation of Destiny’s Child’s hit song “Bug-A-Boo” and how it’s actually one giant allusion to mental illness and not, in fact, about a smothering romantic interest, but I went ahead and pushed that poetic brain-buster to another week because something else came up.

Last week was a wreck, a revisitation of terrible events and feelings for me and my family, for those who know us personally and, most surprising and inspiring of all, for people who don’t know us personally. The fact that the vibrations of Alex’s story are being felt far beyond the reaches of my family and touching a wider expanse of people further assures me that the book I’m writing is important. Necessary, even. Sometimes, I’m not sure. The people who know my family reading a book about well, my family, might find it to be a healing reconnaissance, especially for those who’ve so faithfully been along the ride with us all. But, it’s the folks who relate to Alex’s stories outside of his realm of contact that make this story a book opposed to a blog. Every single reader and sharer is critical and I thank you for your collective, perhaps unwitting, reassurance. You’re the best.

Now. When I had Le Meltdown 2k19, I became closed off due to how weak I was in every sense of the word. When I felt I was ready, I penned the account I posted last week. I left the house a couple of times and even spent some time with Rick’s friends when they came through to see him. It’s largely been a low pressure environment.

I don’t know why I’m dancing around what I want to say here.

Someone’s voice, body language, activity, routine, or expression seeming to change for the better does not mean that person is okay or “now okay.” It’s crucial to give agency to the person with mental illness to express how their feeling via answering a question, opposed to having to counter a surface-level assumption, however innocent, thrown their way. It kinda makes things worse, to be honest, to have made a joke and then people think “Oh, there she is! She’s healed!”

The below series (you can click through it with he faint arrow on the right without leaving this page) is a sweet, succinct way to understand what I mean.

Of course, because I’ve been conditioned as a woman to be apologetic about everything, I now feel the need to say that I don’t mean to be a sassafras about how I want people to ask me how I’m doing. Rather, I’m writing to inform those who want to best support their loved ones, and beyond, living with mental illness.

As always, thanks for reading and for your open mind.

Related on Bummed Out Baker:
Mental Health: No, You Don’t Have Anxiety
Mental Health: Compassion Fatigue and Hyper Empathy
Mental Health: Saying No in the Spirit of Self-Care


To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker and get my mental health musings and recipes emailed to you directly, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website – Follow on Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild – Follow on Facebook for mental health articles and discussion – Follow on Twitter for sassy tweets and a sprinkle of nonsense.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.